Naught that I am

I am nothing:
a speck in time,
air breathed in,
an exhale.
A proverbial speck,
a disappointment to myself,
a disappointment to my Creator.
Barely a ripple shall mark my passing
in the great pond of life.
Though I see beauty all around me,
my vision seems naught but a curse,
my gifts go wasted by my own inadequacies,
my propensity to failure,
my inability to follow through.
Though life & love you may not miss me,
naught that I am, I shall miss you.

In memory, introspectively

What to say at the loss of another friend?
At 46, one per year is too many too soon.
And each one leaves me remorsefully reminded of the poor effort I have made to be a friend.
So much unknown, so little shared,
selfishly I float through life
giving little, learning nothing.

I grieve at the loss,
at opportunity lost,
still too hung up on myself to be any comfort to loved ones left behind.

Kevin, I shall never play "Colored Aristocracy" on the banjo without thinking of you;
haven't been able to for the past two years,
since you taught it to me, in fact.

Big, gentle, kind men amaze me,
you no less than any,
as you patiently gave of yourself to give that song to me.
Forgive me if I threatened you
as you faced your mortality.
I hoped only to give your Beth,
amazing in her own right,
incredibly strong & loving at your side to the end,
a little bit of hope to carry on,
a friend in her dark hours.

I grieve for hearts so in love,
separated so soon by life's inevitable end.
I admire that deepest of loves,
jealous in a way for the shared experience
that forges two hearts into one for all eternity.

And, still,
life goes on.

Not very poetic, I know,
Beth, but please accept my
deepest, heartfelt sympathies.
Know that I am here
& there for you
should you need a friend.

The Dance

Do you remember how it was?
How it felt?
That flush of new love,
heart-rapping, breathe-stealing.
Every touch electric,
every kiss a bolt of heart-stopping lightening.
Your face flushing warm, loins ache,
slow exploration of new territory,
hands slip beneath cloth
finding spots that set you free,
drove you wild, expanded your soul.

I'd like to relive young love with you,
if you'll have me.

We are . . .

we are what we are
11/6/04

we are
-----what we are
we are
----- what we make of ourselves
we are
----- what others allow us to be
we are
----- what we allow ourselves to be

do not be confined
----- by who you think you are
----- who you were
----- or who others make you out to be
allow yourself to be amazed
----- by how others see you
----- how you are many things

The night weeps

Darkness falls, black, starless.
Rain pelts hard
on a forest sans silluehete.
Tears drown on a night like this,
and anguished cries fade silent
against a damp & moss-covered wood.

My tears fall for you.
My cry rents for you.
You, living one day at a time,
laying with death each night.
How is it you still smile?
And still light my life?

The night weeps
and the tears wash clean the night
bring forth a new day
a day of light & life.
For some the first, renewed
yet others the last evermore.

If I could
take your hand
hold you close
let the rain wash over us.
Each breath, each heartbeat shared,
would you honor me with your soul?

42°00'54"N by 74°00'00"W elev. 270'

Transient people
baking on white-blocked pavement
seeking rest, relief & a bite to eat,
squinting into bright-lit heat.

Doubt

Doubt
is like a large, black spider
beside your pillow,
waving its legs in your face
in the middle of the night.

Psalm 31:9-16

9Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble;
My eye wastes away with grief,
Yes, my soul and my body!
10For my life is spent with grief,
And my years with sighing;
My strength fails because of my iniquity,
And my bones waste away.
11I am a reproach among all my enemies,
But especially among my neighbors,
And am repulsive to my acquaintances;
Those who see me outside flee from me.
12I am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind;
I am like a broken vessel.
13For I hear the slander of many;
Fear is on every side;
While they take counsel together against me,
They scheme to take away my life.
14But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."
15My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,
And from those who persecute me.
16Make Your face shine upon Your servant;
Save me for Your mercies' sake.

The way I was feeling . . .

Early Ice Out • April 11, 2006

Silver filigree of thin ice reflecting a grey sky.
Dark water reflecting the browns and evergreen of surrounding hills,
naked but for the deadwood of winter
and patches of grimy snow in shaded pockets.

Lone bald eagle circles the lake --
seeking fish or partner, I do not know --
circling, circling, then sails over the distant hill
to find his fortune in food or love elsewhere.

Ice out in the Adirondacks means mud on the trails,
trout on the line, and the blossoming of crocuses and snow drops.
Spring is a beautiful time, if you like grey skies
over a brown and grey landscape.

And then THE SUN!
Warm beyond warmth soaking sun-starved flesh
of bare arms and upturned faces.
Heart and soul rejoice for Spring!

Cold Wind

a cold wind blows
howls through naked trees
chills me to the bones
and I'd love to snuggle into bed
under the weight of a couple of quilts
and watch the grey day pass
slowly by the window
as your soft skin passes
gently under my caressing hand.

Hockey's Last Days

7:11 on 3/13
And we've seen all the hockey
this season will bring.
It's high time its over
though a sad reminisce --
Until baseball & track
it is something to miss.

But spring will be bounding
from these damp mountain dells
bringing seasons of green to
these grey wooded hills
When the water from pack ice
will once again flow
sparkling in sunlight and cold as the snow.

And the sport of all outdoors will beckon and call
and draw us to haul guideboat down from the wall
to seek anew ventures as old as the hills,
as old as the erratics
that idly stand by
watching mere mortals pass
with all permanence of a mayfly.

Eat Crow • Live Right

The true measure of a person
is not in having done no wrong,
but is in how they have fixed
the wrongs they have done.

Some days,
you should eat a lot of crow.